Inside Dauber's Mind |
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Well, Christmas is a few short weeks away, so now is the season when we're bombarded with Christmas music, some brilliant and some overplayed. We're all familiar with the recursive Christmas carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Is this rant going to be about the usual thing -- the wisecracks about all these birds making a mess, etc.? No. But first, just a few fun facts.
One favorite question asked in many high school academic bowl tournaments is the number of gifts received in the entire song. (When I was on the scholastic bowl team in high school, this question actually did come up. Our captain turned to me and whispered, "Start adding!") All together, that's 364 -- almost one gift for every day of the year! It's an average of 30 and one-third gifts per month. Here's the complete breakdown:
Sure, there are countless parodies, most of which just replace the gifts with something silly, like terrorism paraphernalia or stereotypical North American cultural items, and just seemingly random thoughts with little supposed-to-be-funny sound bites dropped in. *yawn*
Then there's the late Allan Sherman and his parody, "The Twelve Gifts of Christmas," from his For Swingin' Livers Only album. Yes, it's another parody in which the gifts are changed, and Sherman occasionally interrupts with some snappy remarks. Oh, and Sherman, who's supposed to be receiving all these gifts for Christmas...was Jewish; more on that a bit later. Allan Sherman was a genius when it came to writing song parodies, so much so that he was a major influence on "Weird Al" Yankovic. And "The Twelve Gifts of Christmas" is a perfect example of his brilliance and how he can leave many of us wondering, with secrets he probably took with him to the grave thirty years minus one day ago from the date of this writing.
The one gift that Sherman keeps receiving every day is "a Japanese transistor radio." Here are some things we know about it:
So right now, the count is eleven Japanese transistor radios that we know for sure he received.
Here's what he receives on the following days:
As colloquial as "all that other stuff" sounds, there's a vast mystery behind it: does "all that other stuff" INCLUDE the radio? If it does, then on the sixth day, he gets TWO: "...and all that other stuff, and a Japanese transistor radio." So either he got 21 gifts (the previous fifteen, plus one each per number of days it's been) or 22 gifts if you count the radio -- and again, that's assuming just one pair of pajamas every day. The "all that other stuff," which is sung one time by the chorus (believe me, you haven't lived until you've heard a professional chorus sing the word "stuff"), lasts until the ninth day. So after the eight day, Allan has:
Okay, so "all that other stuff" happens until the ninth day. What happens starting that day? He just gets two gifts from this point on: whatever the new gift is, and the radio -- no more "all that other stuff." And this goes on until the eleventh day. So, just to keep a running tally, here's what we have each day, each with the disclaimer about the pajamas:
I said the two-gifts-per-day lasts until day 11. But what happens on the twelfth day? Let's go back to my observation of a Jewish guy getting all this stuff for Christmas. I'd assume that if someone was a die-hard practicing Jew, he would not be celebrating Christmas, which probably explains why on the twelfth day, Sherman doesn't say anything about his true love giving him anything. Instead, he sings, and I quote: "On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange...on the twelfth day of Christmas I'm going to exchange..." an then he rattles off each of the eleven gifts, singing "And a Japanese transistor radio" with a big flourishing finish.
But there's a problem: at that point, Sherman is apparently still left with either 31 or 34 gifts, because he only mentioned exchanging one of each gift!
When people talk about the big mysteries in music of the 1960s, a lot of things are brought up. What were the real circumstances behind the death of Brian Jones? Did Jim Morrison really die in 1971? Why did Brian Wilson stop work on the Smile album and what was the final vision for it anyway? Are the rumors about John Lennon and Brian Epstein's trip to Spain true? Are the Kinks trying to tell us that Lola was a man? I mean, come on, those aren't the real mysteries! The real mystery is this: how many gifts did Allan Sherman receive for Christmas? Truly it takes a genius to leave the world scrutinizing and wondering over a question so simple.